


A Midwinter Night’s Reality

by Serpex



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Birthday, Character Death, Character spelled as Hanji, Christmas, Christmas Birthday, Death, F/M, I Made Myself Cry, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Sorry, Levi x Hanji - Freeform, Levi x hange - Freeform, Memory, Modern AU, One Shot, PTSD, Post War AU, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sorry Not Sorry, You might cry, angst and death, did I mention death?, levihan - Freeform, war memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-20
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:41:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21869185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Serpex/pseuds/Serpex
Summary: Christmas was the time of year where joy and festivities took over the city. For some, it was a peaceful time. For others, it was a chaotic time. But, there are those who can feel neither for what is Christmas without feeling warmth by your side. Some may go forever without the comfort of another. But, it is not a mandatory solace. Hanji wants to take that warmth to others, and for one man in particular, she wants to make it a memory.
Relationships: Hange Zoë/Levi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24





	A Midwinter Night’s Reality

The alarm clock couldn't go off any sooner. It flashed those blocky red numbers and turned the white noise into a giant shit show of whether it could be louder than the honking cars below the balcony. With a huge groan, I jerked myself out of bed unwillingly and smacked the beeping machine before rushing to the bathroom. Fatigue was both a friend and an enemy for me. But right now, it was an enemy that I needed to vanquish. Refreshed and finally awake, I pulled the marker out of the junk drawer and crossed out the blaring '25' on the calendar. For once, the skies graced us with snow on Christmas Day. Of course, I've already lost all my love for a White Christmas. The snow would just make things a little more annoying, but I suppose it still made a pretty sight before cars mucked up its still brilliance.

I tried to tidy up the my study until I found a little gold embroidered box sitting underneath some research papers I still had to finish for the university. I shoved it in my coat pocket along with an empty thermos and snagged some cash before running out the door. The frigid air was merciless but was no conquest for those of us city dwellers. My left eye tingled under its eyepatch a little, but was otherwise unbothered. Downtown, I could already smell the sharp spruce pine and mint spice wafting out of Rose Cafe, Moblit's special blend taking me by the bones and luring me in. The doorbell crackled back and forth as I stomped off the snow and made my way to the corner table. Moblit saw me and gave a small smile.

"The usual, Hanji?" he asked.

"You know it! I can never say no to a piping hot mint latte with extra creme, extra expresso, and extra chocolate," I beamed back before taking a seat. Moblit chuckled before heading off to make the drink. Mike and Nanaba were already deep in conversation about some movie while Erwin was absentmindingly reading some mystery novel. I shucked off my coat and hung it over the back of the chair.

"Hope I wasn't too late," I said. Erwin shrugged and took a sip of his own drink smacking his lips after finding it still much too hot making me crack a grin.

"Too bad the transfer of heat doesn't directly correleate with the speed of your reading," I mocked. Erwin smirked and glanced over at me.

"If that was true, you'd drink frozen coffee for the rest of your life," he retorted. I lightly smacked him on the shoulder.

"Whatever, you giant over-groomed yeti," I returned with a curt grin. "So, how's the office work life?"

"Tedious, but satisfying. It certainly is a little different that being on edge all the time during the Navy. But, I enjoy it. I've made quite a few friends with the other coworkers and found out I have quite the knack for data management. Next week I'll be officially promoted to become head representative for European affairs. I'll only have to travel maybe four times a year for national conferences. The rest of the job is handling business agreements and maintaining them online. What about yourself? You decided to actually take up the full scholarship opportunity for university last year. Everything still going well?"

"As well as it can get. I mean, I can't say I missed having homework on subjects I'm not particularly interested in, but the research projects are to die for. A lot of my machinary operation skills are coming in handy with many of the directory assignments. I'm actually considering of moving towards biochemical engineering instead of being just a plain old chemist. It would certainly make things more interesting and with my experience, I could easily get a job. A few more years in the school house won't kill me. Although, after the war with the Titans, nothing could really stop me now."

"That's the truth," Nanaba suddenly piped in. I looked over to see her and Mike with their full attention on me.

"Looking back, that war sent us to a place that we will always remember and keep for the rest of our lives," Mike added. We all agreed and had a brief moment of silence. Even though over five years have passed since the war, the sounds and feelings were hard to forget. The Titans were a dark organization bent on creating as much destruction as possible and eradicating humans whether it was their own people or not. There was no bond between them. They were the exact definition of having no humanity. They came ten fold out of nowhere publically executing innocent people. They gave no cares even if those beside them died.

The thing that haunted all of us the most was how far they had gone. When things became rough, our team went into for a capture and retrievel mission capturing two of the assilants. Though both were quite different in stature, they were hostile from the moment they lived until the moment we put them out of their misery.

They did not talk. Fact was: they couldn't talk. Upon investigation, we found they had cut their own vocal cords relying on pure instinct to kill us. We found many other deformities with their bodies realizing these were people who were being experimented on. This Titan fiasco was nothing more than one person who was stripping away humanity for the purpose of expendable mindless soldiers. It might feel like a dream to have a completely obedient arsenal, but it was a cruel reality.

We fought to keep the will of humanity, to hold the hopes of humanity, and to return the hearts of humanity.

In the end, we were finally able to destroy the leader, but the cost was great. We lost many of our friends and families. Some even try to say the whole war was a hoax. But, the damage was much too real.

There is no more fearful feeling in the world that can rival that of cowering in the ground. I remember the last battle of the war. Itwas the one that sent us all home afterwards.

It was midwinter. Even the tiny chunks of dirt were frozen and digging into our skin cutting through the fabric of our uniforms. We had to force ourselves to breathe shallowly to keep us from being discovered. It felt like the cold was crawling down our throats and making us cough up ice shards. Even the guns had gone cold from the lack of use. Nanaba was next to me with Erwin and Mike on infiltration. A siren flare shot up in the distance with a blood red smoke trail following its tail. We moved as one jumping up from our hiding spots and shooting into the unknown. Bodies fell beside me. Bodies fell in front of me. Bodies fell behind me.

And my combat boots smashed into the skulls piling up beneath me.

I pushed myself straight through a barbwire fence and helped fortify an escape route only my arm got snagged into one of the fence sections. I could feel it cut down to my bone and yank my back. A bullet whizzed by my ear and all of a sudden, I couldn't see. I couldn't even think. Everything turned red like someone blotted out the sky with a red colored contact only to purge into an inky black. The tar spread across my vision like those old movies that just circled off and made a black hole of darkness. The rifle fell from my arms and clattered to the floor as I hung from the fence like a sick version of a scarecrow.

I don't know how long I was there. But, I wasn't scared of dying. It was more like I was scared of not being able to see. Not knowing whether I was alone or not or if I was standing in a grave of dead bodies.

But then, there was rumbling. My body was being carted away. I could barely open my eyes, but I saw enough. My limbs were mangled in all directions filleted to bits of flesh like curtains draped on my frame. Standing in front of me was another soldier that I vaguely remembered.

His name was Levi. Just Levi. He never introduced himself as anything other than that and never said much either unless ordered to. It was hard to make conversation or get a lighthearted laugh off the stoic man. But, that was just his style. He was just Levi. He joined our unit during our final season of training and boasted skills beyond any of us. He was hardened in the ways of survival and knew weaknesses of different weapons, people, and what made an enemy fall apart. He was shockingly experienced with physical and psychological torture. Others distrusted him and put him in worst regards.

And yet, there were quirks I couldn't help but find endearing. Levi was a newt under the face of dirt and grime. He enjoyed being clean and it showed in his surroundings. He was a tea man, not even taking a second glance at the coffee tins before opting to drink his leaf water. He was quick and calm sleeping lightly with a switchblade under his pillow poised in his hands at all times.

He was strong.

And here he was standing over me.

"It'll be okay. It'll be alright," he muttered. It was a warm feeling that spurred one final burst of energy. I reached out and grabbed him. We looked down at me and for a moment, we stared at each other until the most magical thing happened. He smiled at me and it was like nothing was around us.

If I could freeze time for just one second, I would want it to be then. In that moment, I truly believed his words and that things would be okay. But, we were interrupted by an explosion from the next car over. There was a flash of wires flying through the air like a firecracker. I could barely even register it when a Titan soldier fell from the sky right onto my right leg. I screamed and tried to move the body realizing he had died on impact. Only, instead of grabbing his back, my hand hit metal. Levi's eyes widened as he grabbed the body and gave me one last glance. A grave look in his eyes made my heart nearly stop beating. I knew what he was thinking, and wasn't ready to let him go.

"No! Don't do it!" I tried to shout, but between the pain and my lightheadedness, it barely came out as a whisper. He smiled again, this time more forced and only said three words.

"Remember me, Hanji."

And he flung himself off the moving vehicle with the body in hand. Mere seconds passed before the bomb exploded and he was gone.

The regret fills me up like a shot glass that never goes empty. I keep drowning my sorrows, distracting myself, and always, I come back to see his haunting smile, his shallow grey eyes, and knuckles turning white from how he was determined to make sure we made it back.

Not all sacrifices come with a full memoir.

We back to the battlefield after it was over and took what we could find. Nothing recogizable could be found except for a dog tag that had his full name engraved.

Levi Ackerman.

It was funny how he kept it hidden for so long, but seeing the skills he had, I understood why. Kenny the Ripper, also known as Kenny Ackerman, was a serial killer and Levi's mentor. Levi would never have been admitted so easily with a history like that floating around. But because of that lucidness, it was clear he had no other relatives left who cared. The only one was a small girl named Mikasa, but she was only seven and never had contact with Levi. Her adoptive family decided against keeping the tag seeing we knew him best. So, when I came back to headquarters, I lied. I told my superiors that Mikasa thanked me and I left.

The reality: I kept his tag. Something about it made me feel ingrained to him and regret how things turned out just a little less.

"I just wish more of us made it back," I whispered.

"Well, we shouldn't dwell too much on the past," Erwin said with a long sigh. "Looks like your drink's ready." I looked over to see Moblit approaching with my drink in hand. I practically yanked the beautiful cup from his hands and went straight into it before sucking in a huge breath to ease the burn. Moblit just shook his head.

"I really should not bother trying to tell you that it's hot anymore," he half-jokingly remarked. I waved him off with a shaking grin.

"Thank you, Moblit. You are amazing!" I said. He chuckled before heading back to the counter.

"Let me know when you're leaving, Hanji. I have your usual takeouts ready, too," he called back.

"Yes, sir!" I shouted back. I went back to the gang and we all joked around for a bit. At some point we spoke on miscellaneous topics. As Christmas morning drew to a close, I decided it would be good to get going while it was going to be as warm as it could be for the rest of the day.

After chugging my drink, I grabbed my goodie bag of tea cookies and a single glazed donut. Moblit filled my thermos with hot water, and I was on my way. I said my goodbyes to Erwin, Mike, and Nanaba before treading the streets once more. Less people were out now, so it was a straight walk to the outskirts of the city.

The great oak trees loomed over the cemetery shaking their monstrous shadows. But under those shapes were rows upon rows of gravestones. I weaved through the thicket of graves until I reached the single weeping willow at the back. Wiping away leaves and foliage, I finally uncovered the little name black and gold plate hiding in between the roots. I took a seat and pulled the little box out of my pocket. The uncorked the thermos and sprinkled just a little of dried tea leaves inside before shaking it up a little. Pouring myself a little bit in the lid, I gave a toast.

"Bottoms up, shortie. Merry Christmas and... Happy birthday, Levi."

I wasn't a fan of tea much but it made me feel like I had closure even if it was only for a moment. Something inside told me Levi would have found it amusing considering I practically lived off coffee on a daily basis even back then. Course, now I found it more pleasant than before.

Five years.

It feels like a dream. Sometimes I still see his face in my dreams. It's not always clear, but I know he's there. There are dreams where I can see him clearly like a movie playing over and over. Other times it's just those sharp eyes that were calm, cold, calculating, and yet soothing all the same. Some nights they were wrought with pity and filled with sorrow that did not have to be said in words. The worst nights were when the fog settled and I couldn't see him. But, his words were engraved. I remember him, though I can no longer recall what his voice truly sounded like. But his being, his presence, and his sacrifice are all inside.

As long as I'm alive, I will keep his memory alive.

Just as the previous years before, I reach down my bra and pull out a small chain clutching the dog tag at the end.

"I will remember, Levi. I will remember." It was a small vow, but one I swear to keep.

Though the sun was setting by the time I finished the tea, I didn't feel cold heading back home. There was so many things to attend to now, but I'm glad I got to spend some time off today. It felt a little better walking out of the cemetery like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I wasn't ready to move on, but I was one more step in the right direction.

The reality is Levi is no longer standing beside me, but I hope that I'll see him again when I, too, will pass on.


End file.
